The goal is to Develop Individual Values, Attitudes, and Skills so you enjoy the very best relationship.

True, there are certain realities that we need to know about. For example, a lot of men in our community have been in prison, or may be exploring their options and dating more than one woman, cheating on us, or may even be on the "Down Low." We will discuss some of these, briefly, below.

However, most importantly, there is also the goal of this website: Developing Individual Values, Attitudes, and Skills which can result in our enjoying the very best relationships and health!





1) Start with an attitude of gratitude. List all the things you are grateful for in your life. What do you currently VALUE in your life? List all of those things. Make a mental list or written list. Learn to express gratitude and to value all that you are and have in your life, now.


2) Visualize the kind of man you want to attract? What do you want in a man? What do you VALUE in a man? Make a list describing all of their positive characteristics. Do not list what you do not want. List only what you want in a man. Kind? Honest? Faithful? Creative? Great Dancer? Writer? Poet? Employed? Educated? Safe Driver? Good Judgment? Sober/Abstinent? Great Lover? Romantic? Practical? Good Looking? Locks? Bald? Ask for the man you have described to enter your life. Draw or cut out a picture of the man who best depicts what you want and write down all the qualities this man has.
3) Visualize your self celebrating because you have met the man you have described. Now pretend you are the best actress in the world and you are calling your best friend or mother on the phone and you are screaming and jumping up and down with pure joy because your perfect man has entered your life. Go as far as you want with this. Visualize your self kissing this man at the altar at your wedding day, or receiving the keys to your new house, etc... Feel the joy of each moment! Act and feel like you are actually there. Now, wait for your man to show up.

4)Visualize the person you want to be. List all of the qualities you want to have, and all the other things you want to have in your life. Follow the same process and visualize the end-result, such a moment of celebrating achieving your goal or receiving what you want.

5) For more information on this process of having whatever you want, including your ideal or perfect partner, go to www.thesecret.tv (and purchase the DVD/video they have for sale)


Being open to all options is key! Here a few suggestions: Let your friends and family know that you are single and open to blind dates, and to meeting new people. Look up your high school crush! Learn about football and go to a sports bar during Monday night football with a few girlfriends. Register at a few dating sites: Black People meet.com, Black planet.com, Love @ aol.com, match.com, etc.) It's okay!! More and more women are meeting their partner/boyfriends/husbands on line! Grocery stores and laundry mats are still great places to meet. Many men in these places are single and doing their own laundry or grocery shopping.


Why do Men Cheat?

Men cheat because they can, it is a choice that is made by them. Usually, the choice to cheat has nothing to do with the person they are in a relationship with. Meaning, many men will cheat even when they are "happy" in the relationship they are in. As a woman with a man who cheats or has cheated, please understand that wearing prettier clothes, losing weight, or changing your hair, will not keep your man from straying. If he decides to, it is a choice that he is making. Remember: IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU, IT IS ABOUT HIM.

Should I stay?

The answer is, "It depends." It depends on what you want. There are also things you may consider. For example, how many times has the cheating happened. Is it the first time he has ever cheated? Has it happened many times? Staying may be an option. Staying in the relationship is not the only option, If your man SHOWS you that he is changing--going beyond telling you how much he regrets what happened, that may be a factor in what you decide. Actions speak louder than words! Showing you will take time and you should allow that time to pass. Forgiveness is just one step. There is a process of rebuilding trust that may take time, as you observe ACTIONS on his part. If this is not the first time he cheated, and this has happened previously, then it may be time to reconsider the relationship. Remember, you can have what you want. You do not have to settle for less than what you want. You can consider receiving counseling. You and your man can talk about what each of you want, individually and as partners. You may be able to create the relationship you want together. Or, you may need to Develop Individual Values, Attitudes and Skills. See above: HOW TO GET THE MAN YOU WANT. You may choose to apply these values, attitudes, and skills to create the "couple" or relationship that you want, together. The choice is up to you.

What about men who have been in prison?

There are more Black men in prison and being released from prison than at prior times in history. Typically, there are no condoms allowed in prison. This is changing, slowly, and condom availability in prisons should increase. Some men have had sex with men by force in prison and will never talk about it. Because of the unusual conditions of confinement, some men end up having sex with another man; if a man is in prison long enough, it could become a habit or lifestyle choice.

DIVAS need to ask all men who are new sex partners to use condoms all the time. Only a couple that has gone for Voluntary Testing and Counseling (VCT) and knows their HIV status and the results of all tests for Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs), and ABSOLUTELY KNOW that there is no outside sex going on in the relationship can safely have sex without condoms; this includes having to wait three to six months for the results of more than one HIV test, so the time period for developing antibodies and testing positive for HIV passes, so one is confident they do not have HIV--even if they tested negative at first (see the HIV video). Until you know for sure about the results of testing, you need to negotiate condom use, and ask that a condom be used every time (see the condom negotiation role play video).

Do not stereotype Black men who have been in prison. What did they go to prison for? Are they doing that again? Are they committed to a new lifestyle? Some men come out of prison and go right back or slowly back to their old ways. Ask them, frequently: "What do they want? What are they grateful for? What are they visualizing themselves accomplishing?" Some men come out of prison ready to create a new life with energy and enthusiasm. Consider getting counseling for you and/or your man?

Remember, you can have what you want. See above: HOW TO GET THE MAN YOU WANT. You may choose to apply these values, attitudes, and skills to work with a man who has been in prison in order to create the relationship that you want. Or, you may need to decide when it is time to work on developing your own individual wants, and make them happen, using the steps above.

What is all this "Down-low" stuff I've been hearing about?

There are men that are in relationships with women and they also have sex with men. They are bisexual in their behavior, but tend to be secretive about it--not telling their female partners that they also have sex with men. These men do not identify with being gay. These men are on the "down-low". These men may be doctors, lawyers, office workers, business owners, sanitation workers, thugs, hustlers and dealers. They can be any man in our community. They many have children and a long list of past girlfriends. These men are usually masculine and you would never know that they have sex with other men. Some researchers assert that this may be one of the reasons HIV infection is so high among African American women. Many times these men "on the down low" are engaging in unprotected sex with other men, acquiring HIV infection, and then having unprotected sex with their "booty calls"--whether sex with girlfriends or wives.


What is the solution? Remember, it is important for you and your sex partner to go for Voluntary Counseling and Testing (VCT). It is very important that you learn how to negotiate condom use, asking that a condom be used EVERY TIME you have sex. Tell your man, "Please use a glove," or no love! Develop Individual Values, Attitudes, and Skills, especially the skill of asking that a condom be use. (See the condom negotiation role play video). Finally, see above: HOW TO GET THE MAN YOU WANT.

It is also important to develop a healthy relationships. Learn more about developing healthy relationships.